Smeriously.....
I dunno why I fell in love in the 1st place.... but it makes me feel so happy whenever his around.... but we're just friends, i hate him but i love him so much. I can't help to accept the fact that he already had someone else..... benci tapi sayang, benci memang maknanya sayang.....
NO!!! I MUST NOT!!! I should be happy for him.... yes... I should.... he is just only and ONLY my friend...........
OH F**K THIS!!!!
Im shivering to my bones typing all this after see his pictures in facebook, and I really saw his status saying "In a Relationship"
Oh god, im so afraid loosing him..... I really really do. I admit it, I am very sad loosing him. Seeing him with someone else really hurts me. Before this, im ok coz at least he found someone else he really likes instead of me. Zul was right, I am an IDIOT!! For not confessing him since long time ago.... but i know even if I confess to him earlier, he would still say "Your a really good friend to me"
I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!....... But I can't hate you forever, you are such a great friend to me, I would give you my all.... but i couldn't. I know Im different, weird, bad temper, emotional, TOO NICE, FAT, emo, not physically beautiful, not mentally genius/smart, not perfect (even to my mum)...............
but......... please la Ya Allah s.a.w .............. enough bad luck that I have right now.... I 've been cursed with bad luck since Ramadhan already!
My best friend is dead and his fiancee is accusing me for this! My mum always say IM FAT AND NOT BEAUTIFUL! Mummy wouldnt let me see Abah just coz I want to go back Desaria too early! That stupid stalker guy is trying to hurt my friends!! My laptop is busted! I couldn't finish all my assignments! And most of all...... I really really miss Mohsen, Azam, Rara, Gavin, Kevin, Ili, Ash, Bryan, Yatt Weng, Sam, Kenvin and Daniel.... I really do!! I miss hanging out with all of them like we always do.... but for the sake of my friends safety I have to avoid them for a while and solve this stupid fucking problem once and for all.... I don't want my friends to get hurt....
I never had real friends till I come to LKW.... they don't lie to me that they like me so much as a friend, they're honest, they're the one who I trust my life with.
Some of my ex-friends leave me after they're all in a realtionship, somewhat pretend that they never met me before.... and just ignoring me. They even put the same pranks every year on me... pretend to be my secret admirer, pretend that they are in love with me.....
Aku nak kasih sayang juga, aku nak seseorang juga, seseorang yang aku boleh panggil buah hatiku juga
Im not jealous of Daniel and his GF..... Im very happy for him. But Im so sad, so so sad..... let this bad luck go on till it rans out.... If its already written that Im living in Bad luck, then be that way GOD, be that way till the day I die.... I will have no one....
what am i saying?.......................... I have to move on.... forget bout him.... but he is one of my good friends....
Ili, Bryan, Ash, Yat Weng, Sam, Kenvin, Mohsen, Azam, Rara, Gavin, Kevin, Hassan, Grace, Bella, Jonathan, Zach, Amin, Doriun, Dhamah, Nicole, Nina, Dhurrah...... and Daniel....
I miss you all so much
And Daniel, I love you and Goodbye.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Why do I even coming back?
Last night when I got back to KK from Beaufort I thought my mum will be very happy to see me, but turns out..... you know that cicak sound? yeah, she make that sound when she see me. She's the one has been asking me to go back to KK yesterday.... she suppose to happy to see me when im back but all hse want to see is if Im already lose some weight or what? I only come back coz My little siblings are calling me and I have to leave my dad, my step mum and my baby brother just for her. I should have been a cold person and not going back at all, but i dont want to be a bad person....... I just go back anyway............... mummy lecture me bout me have to lose weight starting now, mummy pukir fatin nda cuba ka? fatin bukannya makan banyak sangat masa di hostel, boleh mummy cakap "apala fatin buat di sana? Pig out?"
Mummy seriously, I know you care for me and you dont want people to laugh at me or talk behing my back coz of me being fat and me as the fact of being a fashion student but not making myself look like a fashionable student..... that doesnt mean you have to say anything that hurt myt feeling. I know I have to loose weight, I know I have to buy some new clothes and have to make myself look good, but mum, I dotn want to waste money on buying clothes and I know I should loose weight.... so many times................
I dont hate you, Im just angry at you. One thing for sure that I DO NOT LIKE BEING MISUNDERSTOOD!!! Fatin masih ingat lagi tu masa kecik dulu2.... kak long kasih pecah mummu punya crystal flower vase and I was there... then suddenly kak long points at me and said it was fatin who broke it and then ran off..... before I can even say anything mummy sudah pukul fatin..... banyak lagi benda2 yg fatin nda buat salah pun mummy boleh pikir salah fatin but sebenarnya bukan fatin yg buat. Mummy mo sangat ka fatin finally lawan cakap mummy supaya mummy puas hati? Fatin nda mau derhaka dengan mummy tapi bila fatin tau itu bukan salah fatin atau bukan fatin yg buat then I have to speak out!
Fatin terpaksa diam2 ja klu mummy mula lecture fatin pasal my weight, there will be time when fatin malas sudah mo jadi good girl..... mummy cakap muka fatin macam taik ja.... sudah muka fatin macam ni macamana boleh buat lagi? Mo plastic surgey supaya mummy puas hati?
Fatin nda mau derhaka dengan mummy..................................
There so many in the past that you should witness it.... I wish you were in my shoes since I was born till now.... Nasib Abah dengan Umi paham fatin.... I dont want to say that you dont know me but since the divorce... is like you dont even know me, bila kak long ada di rumah mummy baru mummy lega, ya la kak long kurus and I know I will be in trouble if I donbt loose weight.
Yes I look really horrible in my style to you... but so what, Its what I m comfortable with, I knw im a fashion student but I dnt want to be one of those fashion people who are look so good on the outside but bitches in the inside.... i dont want to be like that in the future.......... I am who I am.
You are my mother no matter what....
I dont want to say anything bad bout you any longer.... I wish you could just understand my feeling
Mummy seriously, I know you care for me and you dont want people to laugh at me or talk behing my back coz of me being fat and me as the fact of being a fashion student but not making myself look like a fashionable student..... that doesnt mean you have to say anything that hurt myt feeling. I know I have to loose weight, I know I have to buy some new clothes and have to make myself look good, but mum, I dotn want to waste money on buying clothes and I know I should loose weight.... so many times................
I dont hate you, Im just angry at you. One thing for sure that I DO NOT LIKE BEING MISUNDERSTOOD!!! Fatin masih ingat lagi tu masa kecik dulu2.... kak long kasih pecah mummu punya crystal flower vase and I was there... then suddenly kak long points at me and said it was fatin who broke it and then ran off..... before I can even say anything mummy sudah pukul fatin..... banyak lagi benda2 yg fatin nda buat salah pun mummy boleh pikir salah fatin but sebenarnya bukan fatin yg buat. Mummy mo sangat ka fatin finally lawan cakap mummy supaya mummy puas hati? Fatin nda mau derhaka dengan mummy tapi bila fatin tau itu bukan salah fatin atau bukan fatin yg buat then I have to speak out!
Fatin terpaksa diam2 ja klu mummy mula lecture fatin pasal my weight, there will be time when fatin malas sudah mo jadi good girl..... mummy cakap muka fatin macam taik ja.... sudah muka fatin macam ni macamana boleh buat lagi? Mo plastic surgey supaya mummy puas hati?
Fatin nda mau derhaka dengan mummy..................................
There so many in the past that you should witness it.... I wish you were in my shoes since I was born till now.... Nasib Abah dengan Umi paham fatin.... I dont want to say that you dont know me but since the divorce... is like you dont even know me, bila kak long ada di rumah mummy baru mummy lega, ya la kak long kurus and I know I will be in trouble if I donbt loose weight.
Yes I look really horrible in my style to you... but so what, Its what I m comfortable with, I knw im a fashion student but I dnt want to be one of those fashion people who are look so good on the outside but bitches in the inside.... i dont want to be like that in the future.......... I am who I am.
You are my mother no matter what....
I dont want to say anything bad bout you any longer.... I wish you could just understand my feeling
Sunday, February 1, 2009
'You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams" -Dr. Seuss-
That so true.... I've been having this feeling and I bilieve this is real... this is serious.... I am deffinitely in love with a guy......
all my life i do like a few guys bt my mind had been telling lies on me, but this time my heart is telling the truth. my heart pound a lot when he's around, feel so happy whenever he smile, he truly is a kind person and i have no idea what am i saying right now!!!
Though I have my answer of love I had a bad dream last night... so bad that when i woke up, i cried and my heart was really painful... like heartbroken feeling, spreading all over my chest
My nightmare:
I finally got an offer from Cartoon Network, I was so happy that time... even my family and friends.... and my dream came true! Greg Cipes came to pick me up at the KLIA... eeeekkkk!!!!
I already said goodbye to my family at Sabah and I have to say goodbye to my friends, they all came to KLIA just to say goodbye to me and they all are very sad to see me leave....
One by one, i gave small gifts to them to remember me when im gone. Then it's his turn, i said something that i will never forget! I say:
"Daniel, I just want to say im sorry that i ever had feelings for you. I cant help it, Im in love with you very much. Because of who you are, my heart fell for you." I suddenly broke to tears, Cipes was watching but I dont give a damn! I hug him tightly,but he didnt hug me back nor say anything, he was really shock, then my heart tell me to kiss him but I can't... not too fast.... I gave him my gray siamese kitten doll to him, Bobby. Than I walk away to the gate to get on the flight, as I enter the gate I turn back for awhile and wave goodbye to all of my true friends.
I even look at him until I cant even see him anymore, my chest felt a sharp pain and its slowly spreading all over my chest... this is deffinitely the feeling of broken heart.....
With the tears rolled down from my eyes, my mind was really messed up that i cant think straight. In the plane Cipes comfort me, i didnt cry but only tears came out.... i think that's consider crying also.... dunno..... luckily i was holding a sketchbook i always carrying around with, so i drew a lot of things.
Then, it happens..... a news just came in on TV.... KLIA was robbed by a very scary terrorist and hold everyone in the airport hostage... I saw my friends on TV... they're all been hold hostages.... I can see everyone already got hurt.
Suddenly, the terrorists.... oh how I hate them all..... if I knew were they, I would already slit their throats..... the terrorists shot all my friends.... all of them!! Ili, Ash, Rara, Yatt Weng, Sam, Kenvin, Kevin, Gavin, Rob, Bryan and even.... Daniel..... They all died!!
I woke up after that, crying and feeling very scared... tears rolled down from my eyes... a lot, i was crying alone in little my sister's room..... i pray to Allah s.a.w that my nightmare will naver come true
The next morning:
I was listening to "Dream" by Mocca
In the middle of the night,
The dream wakes me up
It is not very good dream maybe its my nightmare
When I started my day,
It still stuck on my mind.
And the thing ruined my day make mt head spin around.
*chorus*
But why should I bilieve my dream will come true,
And I dont have any reason to bilieve that all of my dreams will come true
and it go on.... theres more but I'm too tired to type it all down... hehe
when I listen to this song... i bilieve it will never happen, but if it does happen, I'll be ready.....
That so true.... I've been having this feeling and I bilieve this is real... this is serious.... I am deffinitely in love with a guy......
all my life i do like a few guys bt my mind had been telling lies on me, but this time my heart is telling the truth. my heart pound a lot when he's around, feel so happy whenever he smile, he truly is a kind person and i have no idea what am i saying right now!!!
Though I have my answer of love I had a bad dream last night... so bad that when i woke up, i cried and my heart was really painful... like heartbroken feeling, spreading all over my chest
My nightmare:
I finally got an offer from Cartoon Network, I was so happy that time... even my family and friends.... and my dream came true! Greg Cipes came to pick me up at the KLIA... eeeekkkk!!!!
I already said goodbye to my family at Sabah and I have to say goodbye to my friends, they all came to KLIA just to say goodbye to me and they all are very sad to see me leave....
One by one, i gave small gifts to them to remember me when im gone. Then it's his turn, i said something that i will never forget! I say:
"Daniel, I just want to say im sorry that i ever had feelings for you. I cant help it, Im in love with you very much. Because of who you are, my heart fell for you." I suddenly broke to tears, Cipes was watching but I dont give a damn! I hug him tightly,but he didnt hug me back nor say anything, he was really shock, then my heart tell me to kiss him but I can't... not too fast.... I gave him my gray siamese kitten doll to him, Bobby. Than I walk away to the gate to get on the flight, as I enter the gate I turn back for awhile and wave goodbye to all of my true friends.
I even look at him until I cant even see him anymore, my chest felt a sharp pain and its slowly spreading all over my chest... this is deffinitely the feeling of broken heart.....
With the tears rolled down from my eyes, my mind was really messed up that i cant think straight. In the plane Cipes comfort me, i didnt cry but only tears came out.... i think that's consider crying also.... dunno..... luckily i was holding a sketchbook i always carrying around with, so i drew a lot of things.
Then, it happens..... a news just came in on TV.... KLIA was robbed by a very scary terrorist and hold everyone in the airport hostage... I saw my friends on TV... they're all been hold hostages.... I can see everyone already got hurt.
Suddenly, the terrorists.... oh how I hate them all..... if I knew were they, I would already slit their throats..... the terrorists shot all my friends.... all of them!! Ili, Ash, Rara, Yatt Weng, Sam, Kenvin, Kevin, Gavin, Rob, Bryan and even.... Daniel..... They all died!!
I woke up after that, crying and feeling very scared... tears rolled down from my eyes... a lot, i was crying alone in little my sister's room..... i pray to Allah s.a.w that my nightmare will naver come true
The next morning:
I was listening to "Dream" by Mocca
In the middle of the night,
The dream wakes me up
It is not very good dream maybe its my nightmare
When I started my day,
It still stuck on my mind.
And the thing ruined my day make mt head spin around.
*chorus*
But why should I bilieve my dream will come true,
And I dont have any reason to bilieve that all of my dreams will come true
and it go on.... theres more but I'm too tired to type it all down... hehe
when I listen to this song... i bilieve it will never happen, but if it does happen, I'll be ready.....
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